Here’s episode 53 of Turning Towards Life, a weekly live 30 minute conversation hosted by thirdspace coaching in which Justin Wise and Lizzie Winn dive deep into big questions of human living.
You can join our members-only facebook group here to watch future episodes live and join in the lively comment conversation on this episode. You can also watch previous episodes there, and on our YouTube channel.
In this episode we take up the enormous possibilities that come when we can find a way to drop our defences in the face of feedback from other people, and whatever gift may be hidden within while maintaining our own dignity and the dignity of the other while we do.
Along the way we laugh together at how messy we can be as human beings, the cost of walking around in life with our defences up all the time, and the kindness we have to show to ourselves if we are going to allow ourselves to open to the wonders that can be learned from other people.
The source which is our leaping-off point is written specially for us by Lizzie.
Undefended – by Lizzie Winn
When someone tells you that you fell short, that you did not reach the standard. That how you are behaving or who you are being is not working for them. What you did was wrong. When criticism comes and hits you right in the heart, where it hurts most.
The defence system rises up to protect. All the responses that push away come to the surface and turn into language and action. All the things that could be said to attack back. A route worked out to escape and hide. Deny and avoid, attack and divert.
All so I don’t have to feel the feelings of inadequacy, failure, deficiency, half-bakedness. And face my own self-criticism, self-hatred, self-disappointment. Better to direct it outwards rather than inwards.
This is an invitation to experiment with undefendedness. An ‘in the moment’ invitation to breathe and find space. To let the criticism wash over us like the wind that passes through trees.
We see it and feel it, but allow it to pass and give ourselves the opportunity to really hear the person in front of us and take it all seriously without defending or attacking back.
And we gently open to what might be being brought to us as if it was a gift.
We open to finding the small spaces in between ‘the happening’, ‘the reaction’, and ‘the response’.
So that maybe…… just maybe, we don’t have to believe our story of deficiency that gets poked by others’ criticism.
And we can stand, undefended, unapologetic, responsible and guiltless, admitting to our humanity and imperfection without collapsing, fighting or blaming.
And here it is that I can accept what’s in front of me, welcome it even (however badly wrapped) and receive the gift of becoming more open. More vulnerable, more undefended and more loving to myself and others – in words and in action.