The Dakini Speaks

Here’s episode 54 of Turning Towards Life, a weekly live 30 minute conversation hosted by thirdspace coaching in which Justin Wise and Lizzie Winn dive deep into big questions of human living.

You can join our members-only facebook group here to watch live and join in the lively comment conversation on this episode. You can also watch previous episodes there, and on our YouTube channel.

This week, in a week of further news about the mess we’re in with climate change and the urgency and despair all of that can generate, we begin with the poem ‘The Dakini Speaks’ by Joyce Wellwood. We talk together about the various ‘deals’ with life that we take up – ways of being that we imagine will protect us – and how living in the midst of such deals can distance ourselves from our lives and from our contribution.

We consider together the bracing possibility that owning up to the limits of our control, growing up into a more mature appraisal of life’s losses and impermanence, can free us into a deeper kind of hope – one that’s not contingent on how things turn out. And we explore together the necessary kind of wildness in ourselves that this all calls for.

The Dakini Speaks

My friends, let’s grow up.

Let’s stop pretending we don’t know the deal here.

Or if we truly haven’t noticed, let’s wake up and notice.

Look: Everything that can be lost, will be lost.

It’s simple – how could we have missed it for so long?

Let’s grieve our losses fully, like human ripe beings.

But please, let’s not be so shocked by them.

Let’s not act so betrayed,

As though life had broken her secret promise to us.

Impermanence is life’s only promise to us,

And she keeps it with ruthless impeccability.

To a child, she seems cruel, but she is only wild,

And her compassion exquisitely precise.

Brilliantly penetrating, luminous with truth,

She strips away the unreal to show us the real.

This is the true ride – let’s give ourselves to it!

Let’s stop making deals for a safe passage –

There isn’t one anyway, and the cost is too high.

We are not children anymore.

The true human adult gives everything for what cannot be lost.

Let’s dance the wild dance of no hope.

by Joyce Wellwood

 

Photo by Dominik Scythe on Unsplash

 

Undefended

Here’s episode 53 of Turning Towards Life, a weekly live 30 minute conversation hosted by thirdspace coaching in which Justin Wise and Lizzie Winn dive deep into big questions of human living.

You can join our members-only facebook group here to watch future episodes live and join in the lively comment conversation on this episode. You can also watch previous episodes there, and on our YouTube channel.

In this episode we take up the enormous possibilities that come when we can find a way to drop our defences in the face of feedback from other people, and whatever gift may be hidden within while maintaining our own dignity and the dignity of the other while we do.

Along the way we laugh together at how messy we can be as human beings, the cost of walking around in life with our defences up all the time, and the kindness we have to show to ourselves if we are going to allow ourselves to open to the wonders that can be learned from other people.

The source which is our leaping-off point is written specially for us by Lizzie.

Undefended – by Lizzie Winn

Undefended.

When someone tells you that you fell short, that you did not reach the standard. That how you are behaving or who you are being is not working for them. What you did was wrong. When criticism comes and hits you right in the heart, where it hurts most.

The defence system rises up to protect. All the responses that push away come to the surface and turn into language and action. All the things that could be said to attack back. A route worked out to escape and hide. Deny and avoid, attack and divert.

All so I don’t have to feel the feelings of inadequacy, failure, deficiency, half-bakedness. And face my own self-criticism, self-hatred, self-disappointment. Better to direct it outwards rather than inwards.

This is an invitation to experiment with undefendedness. An ‘in the moment’ invitation to breathe and find space. To let the criticism wash over us like the wind that passes through trees.

We see it and feel it, but allow it to pass and give ourselves the opportunity to really hear the person in front of us and take it all seriously without defending or attacking back.

And we gently open to what might be being brought to us as if it was a gift.

We open to finding the small spaces in between ‘the happening’, ‘the reaction’, and ‘the response’.

So that maybe…… just maybe, we don’t have to believe our story of deficiency that gets poked by others’ criticism.

And we can stand, undefended, unapologetic, responsible and guiltless, admitting to our humanity and imperfection without collapsing, fighting or blaming.

And here it is that I can accept what’s in front of me, welcome it even (however badly wrapped) and receive the gift of becoming more open. More vulnerable, more undefended and more loving to myself and others – in words and in action.

Photo by Linus Nylund on Unsplash

Telling Ourselves the Truth

Here’s the first birthday episode, number 52, of Turning Towards Life, a weekly live 30 minute conversation hosted by thirdspace coaching in which Justin Wise and Lizzie Winn dive deep into big questions of human living.

You can join our members-only facebook group here to watch future episodes live and join in the lively comment conversation on this episode. You can also watch previous episodes there, and on our YouTube channel.

In this episode we take up the topic of truthfulness with ourselves. We talk about how our efforts to turn away from what’s true about our experience can be a kind of violence to ourselves. And how easily that becomes a way we suppress the truth of others’ experience.

Along the way we consider how the life-giving and dignity-bestowing act of honesty with ourselves can open up the possibility of a deep welcome to others and to life itself.

Telling Ourselves the Truth – by Justin Wise

The more I look, the more it seems to me that among the most personally damaging acts each of us can take is that of turning away from truth.

I’m not talking grand universal truths here – the kind that people claim apply across time and space and across people. It’s quite easy to see that establishing truth in this way is fraught with difficulty.

No, I’m talking about something more basic and immediate: what’s true about this moment, this experience, from the place in which you stand.

If you pay attention, it’s not so difficult to tell when you’re turning away from truth in this way. The truth that you are sad, or joyful, or angry, or despondent, touched or numb, feeling whole or split apart. The truth that this is difficult or painful for you. Or the truth that this is bringing you to life.

The truth that these thoughts you are thinking, whatever they are, are what you are thinking. The truth that what you’re feeling in your body is what you’re feeling. The truth that this place is where you are, and that what you are doing is what you are doing.

When we deny these simple, basic truths to ourselves and others – when we speak of ourselves inwardly or publicly with deliberate inaccuracy – we assault our own integrity. And we cause ourselves tangible harm, in our minds and in our bodies, by putting ourselves at odds with ourselves, fuelling the inner battles that pull us apart.

And then being whole again requires a kind of return, a turning back to the part of ourselves that understands how things really are. A turning back to something simple, and straightforward, the heart of which we’ve known all along.

Photo by Daniil Kuželev on Unsplash

The Abyss of Defunctness

Here’s Episode 51 of Turning Towards Life, a weekly live 30 minute conversation hosted by thirdspace coaching in which Justin Wise and Lizzie Winn dive deep into big questions of human living.

You can join our members-only facebook group here to watch future episodes live and join in the lively comment conversation on this episode. You can also watch previous episodes there, and on our YouTube channel.

Our conversation opens with a piece written by Lizzie, reproduced below, which launches us into a conversation about openness, shame, and the nothingness we often find when we make contact with ourselves. We consider that such ‘nothingness’ is another way of talking about the ground of all being from which we come and to which we return, and the life-giving and healing possibilities that come when we’re open about the aspect of ourselves with others. Along the way we talk about the importance of being met and seen, with simple welcome, by others, the gifts of community, and how the lives so many of us live keep us away from such straightforward and life-giving possibilities.

Here’s our source for this week, written by Lizzie specially for this project.

The Abyss of Defunctness. And the joy of one another.

There’s nothing here, nothing to hold me.

And maybe this, right here, is where all of life comes from. The nothingness that you can’t even begin to account for and yet we’re all running around trying to fill ourselves up with stuff, or food, or experiences, or money, or speed, or status so that we don’t have to feel what I’m feeling now.

What I am feeling I will call ‘The Abyss of Defunctness’. Like I’m not worth a thing. Like I truly am nothing. Like all my strategies for living have failed. All the ways I have tried to make things work are just a collection of thin and useless, failed and flawed efforts to have things turn out in ways I think they should.

And in this nothingness I have you. My fellow traveller, my friend, my sister, my brother.

There are real beings right here as I feel this; joining me in the abyss as I dare to bare this truth to another who is settled, open and kind – I glimpse the possibility that even in this state I am OK. Because you are here and you didn’t run away.

If we join with another when we or they are in The Abyss, The Foresaken (or so it feels) Place – the fruits of relatedness are borne.

In the loving, accepting gaze of another (who is not trying to fix or change the situation) – the parts that we’ve rejected become welcomed. The opinions of ourselves that hold hurt and shame are held warmly, gently in an open heart, body and mind. The unacceptable becomes part of the conversation.

How do we face ourselves in all our glorious opposites, our brokenness, our wounds, our joys, our hurts, our truth? Maybe this kind of loving, accepting connection is the answer.

Imagine a world where our appetite to be seen is satiated, where our wish to be witnessed is fulfilled, our hunger to be seen is met with just what we need.

On the contrary, if we’re repeatedly unseen, maybe that’s what we become. If we are repeatedly blind to one another’s goodness, others, then, become this.

We perpetuate unseen-ness. By unseen-ness I mean a presence that doesn’t know / see or feel its Self. A presence that has no idea of who or what it is because no one is here now (or was there then) to mirror back to us the bright and shining truth of our being.

Maybe the ones who welcomed us didn’t have it to show us? (Maybe we didn’t have within us as part of the welcome of the ones we once held ?)

It’s possible it wasn’t it in their eyes when they greeted us. Their bodies didn’t tell us who we were, so we didn’t get answered in our call for love. And by then we’d forgotten who we truly were – it slowly slipped away as we became more and more embroiled in this physical world.

We didn’t get received in our wish to bring love because the space in the people who welcomed us wasn’t cultivated to see or receive us. They had not received this space from those who welcomed them.

And maybe this is the game changer. The time in our own personal histories where we come together and change the story. And bring to one another what we so long for.

Maybe the ultimate act of growing up is becoming this loving space – even when we don’t know how.

I wonder about softly edging into the vulnerability of feeling like we have not got it to give. And then doing our best to bring it alive from the nothing that we find in that place that feels so empty.

From a space of emptiness, of not knowing, we begin drawing on something that feels real and we begin offering it to the soul in front of us. And we might even offer it to ourselves when we get practiced at it.

All the ways we feel wounded, deadened, deaf to the call of this particular life, lost and afraid – this togetherness makes it OK. Because togetherness means we can learn from it all, make it our path.

When someone is there with us to live this life alongside us and show us again and again, in our darkest moments, that it’s good to be alive because there is our togetherness, it shows there’s hope and purpose here.

Simply because we’re us, because we’re connected and our nature is to love. And we’re here together. And this is our path.

We’re bringing each other alive.
Together we awaken into life.
In separation, we stay asleep and our true nature remains hidden.

By Lizzie Winn

Photo by rawpixel on Unsplash

The Blue is the Light That Got Lost

On Sunday 9th September Lizzie Winn and I were live for Episode 49 of Turning Towards Life, a weekly live 30 minute conversation hosted by thirdspace coaching in which Justin Wise and Lizzie Winn dive deep into big questions of human living.

You can join our members-only facebook group here to watch future episodes live and join in the lively comment conversation on this episode. You can also watch previous episodes there, and on our YouTube channel.

Our conversation opens with an exploration of the blue of the sky and of the sea, from Rebecca Solnit’s ‘Field Guide to Getting Lost’. We consider together how it’s the very incompleteness of a human being that gives us our particular kind of beauty and possibility, and the mistake we make when we try too hard to compare ourselves to others or to some perfect ideal of how and who to be. Along the way we talk about self-acceptance, making and sharing art, the importance of community, coaching as a way of bringing art to one another and the gift that human beings can be to one another when the conditions are made right by all of us.

Here’s our source for this week, from Rebecca Solnit’s ‘Field Guide to Getting Lost

Photo by Maximillian Conacher on Unsplash

Learning to Nourish Ourselves

On Sunday morning 2nd September we were live for Episode 48 of Turning Towards Life, a weekly live 30 minute conversation hosted by thirdspace coaching in which Justin Wise and Lizzie Winn dive deep into big questions of human living.

You can join our members-only facebook group here to watch future episodes live and join in the lively comment conversation on this episode. You can also watch previous episodes there, and on our YouTube channel.

Our conversation opens with an excerpt from Christine Caldwell’s book ‘Getting Our Bodies Back‘. We consider together how the culture most of us live in actually encourages us to take up addictive behaviour as a way of distancing ourselves from our experience (and we include in our definition of addiction here anything that we do compulsively, habitually, at odds with what is life-giving for us and which puts us to sleep), at the same time as evoking deep feelings of shame and hollowness.

As we go we discuss how the first step in our reclaiming our aliveness, and our capacity to nourish ourselves, is the art of paying attention to our lives, and the felt-sensation of our bodies. And, as often, we return to the power of relationship – places and people with whom we can be open about ourselves – as the path to recovering our capacity to properly nourish ourselves and one another.

Here’s our source for this week, from the introduction to Christine Caldwell’s book ‘Getting Our Bodies Back

Learning to Nourish Ourselves

Some years ago […]  on a trip to the local mall, I bought a large cookie to share with my four-year-old son. As we settled down to eat, my attention was drawn to him as he murmured contentedly, munched noisily, and consumed his half with delighted joy. I inhaled my half with obsessive greed, worrying about how fattening it was and wondering if anyone I knew was watching. The contrast in our experiences, given that it was the same cookie, shook me. I felt a stab in my heart as I realized that somewhere along the line I had lost the happy relationship with cookies that he still had. The difference between us in that moment seemed to be that he was awake and alive, while I was shut down and withdrawn.

I vowed to myself that from that moment on I would let myself eat as much sugar as I wanted, but only when I could stay “awake” and truly celebrate the experience as much as my son had. […] What I subsequently discovered was that it was almost impossible for me to do this. At the first sweet bite I would enter a state of oblivion, eat quickly and furtively, and then feel miserable. In short, I was not awake and alive, and this was not a pleasurable experience. It felt more like a driven experience, with the same familiar outcome of self-absorption and self-hatred. As I stuck with my commitment to eat sugar only when I could remain present, I occasionally stayed conscious for a few seconds at a time as I nibbled, and I began to explore this awakeness. In those brief moments, I could see the cookie; I could luxuriate in its smell and texture; I could savor the taste and truly treasure it. I was actually having a rich sensory experience, albeit a fleeting one. I was amazed to realize that I derived immense pleasure more from the act of staying awake than from the actual eating of the cookie. Sensation was wonderful! And as I continued to stay awake, I found that I didn’t really want much sugar. The experience of eating it while awake was so rich and full that a very small amount was all it took to satisfy me. […]

I found myself eating much less and enjoying it much more. A little bit of something sweet once in a while was enough to occasion great happiness. And my body told me when to stop. This in itself, this feeling that my body was choosing, making a clear yes or no statement, was quite amazing. […]

I hadn’t expected my body to wake up as a part of this process, and stumbling onto this result was astonishing. What I was discovering was the incredible power of self-regulation that is our birthright. This choosing power had been lost in the throes of the addiction. […]

The benefits of my awakeness practice have been far-reaching. When I inhabit my body, I can self-regulate; […] I can also know when things like behaviors, relationships, and thought patterns are toxic, neutral, or nourishing. I have only to tune in to myself to know, and from there I must go on to the next, even more challenging step: that of tolerating and even welcoming the joy and health that result from actually being in my body and consistently choosing nourishment.

Christine Caldwell – from Getting Our Bodies Back

Photo by Ibrahim Rifath on Unsplash

The Silent Work of Loving

Here’s ‘The Silent Work of Loving’, Episode 47 of Turning Towards Life, a weekly live 30 minute conversation hosted by thirdspace coaching in which Justin Wise and Lizzie Winn dive deep into big questions of human living.

You can join our members-only facebook group here to watch future episodes live and join in the lively comment conversation on this episode. You can also watch previous episodes there, and on our YouTube channel.

In this conversation we consider together how the act of loving what we’re in the midst of, and who is around us, can be the first step to a more expansive and inclusive orientation to life. And that this itself has the possibility of relieving difficulty and bringing a necessary lightness to our endeavours. Along the way we consider the gifts of frustration and disappointment, explore how love is not so much a feeling but an intentional practice, and explore the merits of washing dishes and crochet as a path – like any practice – to the kind of intimacy with life that we need in order to face our biggest challenges with grace, courage, creativity and patience.

Here’s our source for this week, by Eileen Caddy, from ‘Opening Doors Within‘.

“You have a tremendous work to do. It is the silent work of creating more love in the world. It is like the yeast in a lump of dough which does its work very quietly and without any fuss, and yet without it the bread would be a solid lump. Therefore love those souls you are with, love what you are doing, love your environment, and love those souls who are your seeming enemies. There is far more grace in loving the seemingly unlovable than in simply loving those souls who love you. Feel the need for love in every soul, and allow yourself to become a channel for love’s sake, so will the heaviness in the world be lightened, for love brings an element of lightness where there was heaviness and darkness. Love starts in each individual, so look within your own heart and draw it forth. Give of it freely and with real joy.”

Eileen Caddy

Photo by Nick Casale on Unsplash

Wake Up Lovers!

Here’s ‘Wake Up Lovers!’, Episode 45 of Turning Towards Life, a weekly live 30 minute conversation hosted by thirdspace coaching in which Justin Wise and Lizzie Winn dive deep into big questions of human living.

You can join our members-only facebook group here to watch future episodes live and join in the lively comment conversation on this episode. You can also watch previous episodes there, and on our YouTube channel.

In this conversation we consider together the perils of seeing ourselves as separate – from one another and from life – and how our mistaken sense of separateness leads so easily to fear and isolation from the deep sources of relationship, love and courage that are available to us all. Along the way we consider what it is to be in a long-term relationship or marriage, we talk about words for the ‘source of everything’ that can constrain or liberate our aliveness, we explore the politics of division that’s arising in so many places in the world, we chat about the joys of wild swimming, and we remind ourselves of what becomes possible when we look into the eyes of another – even one very different from ourselves – and remember the shared beauty that’s there and that gives rise to each of us.

Here’s our source for this week, by 13th century poet Rumi.

Wake Up Lovers by Rumi

Wake up lovers, it is time to start the journey!
We have seen enough of this world, it is time to see another.
These two gardens may be beautiful but
let us pass beyond them and go to the Gardener.
Let us kiss the ground and flow like a river towards the ocean.
Let us go from the valley of tears to the wedding feast,
let us bring the color of blossoms to our pale faces.
Our hearts shiver like autumn leaves about to fall,
in this world of dust there is no avoiding pain or feeling exiled.
Let us become like beautifully colored birds
and fly to the sweet land of paradise.
Everything is painted with the brush of the Invisible One
let us follow the hidden signs and find the Painter.
It is best to travel with companions on this perilous journey
only love can lead the way.
We are like rain splashing on a roof let us find our way down the spout.
We are like an arched bow with the arrow in place
let us become straight and release the arrow towards the target.
We have stayed at home scared like mice
let us find our courage and join the lions.
Let our souls turn into a mirror longing to reflect the essence of Beauty.
Let us begin the journey home.

Photo by Joshua Ness on Unsplash

Until it Flowers from Within

Video

Here’s ‘Until it Flowers from Within’, Episode 44 of Turning Towards Life, a weekly live 30 minute conversation hosted by thirdspace coaching in which Lizzie Winn and Justin Wise dive deep into big questions of human living.

You can join our members-only facebook group here to watch future episodes live and join in the comment conversation on this episode. You can also watch previous episodes there, and on our YouTube channel.

So many of us are brought up in a culture that’s essentially corrective, which has us pay attention to all of our shortcomings and what’s absent in ourselves and in other people. And it is easy to spend a life mired in self- and other-criticism because of that. But, in order to respond with courage and grace – and even joyfulness – to the difficulties and challenges of our times, we think something else is called for. This wonderful poem by Galway Kinnell will be the starting point for our conversation about this on Sunday.

In this conversation we wonder together about what it is we’re forgetting about ourselves and about other people when we take up a punitive, corrective stance, and we discover together that ‘remembering’ is, quite properly, ‘re-membering’ – a putting back together of everything that’s been left out. When we remember ourselves more completely, and when we remember others in this way, we very often find ourselves in contact with a deeper, more life-giving possibility for relationship than we’d been inhabiting. And this, in turn, can open profound possibilities for resolving differences and bringing qualities to bear that would otherwise be neglected.

Towards the end of our conversation Lizzie mentions a radio series on BBC Radio 4, in which “Anne McElvoy asks figures from opposing sides of a political issue to listen to each other, and explore the roots of each other’s beliefs, with the help of conflict resolution specialist Gabrielle Rifkind.”. You can find more details about the series, Across the Red Line here.

Photo by kazuend on Unsplash

On Friendship

Here’s ‘On Friendship’, the 43rd episode of Turning Towards Life, a weekly live 30 minute conversation hosted by thirdspace coaching in which Justin Wise and Lizzie Winn dive deep into big questions of human living.

In this episode we start with a source from David Whyte’s beautiful book ‘Consolations‘. We consider what constitutes real friendship, and explore together the life-giving possibilities of friendship that is both truthful and in which each person is committed to seeing and elevating the sacredness and goodness of the other. Along the way we explore our own friendship, which has been a source of great joy for both of us, and we talk about the circumstances in which it might be better to draw a friendship to a close if it’s not life-giving.

We are live on facebook each Sunday morning at 9am UK time, and we’d love to have you with us. You can join our members-only facebook group here to watch live and join in the conversation.

You can find our source for this week on David Whyte’s FaceBook page and read more about it at Maria Popova’s amazing BrainPickings blog.

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

The Gift of Not Knowing

Here’s ‘The Gift of Not Knowing’, the 42nd episode of Turning Towards Life, a weekly live 30 minute conversation hosted by thirdspace coaching in which Justin Wise and Lizzie Winn dive deep into big questions of human living.

In this episode we start with a source from Christopher Goodchild’s beautiful book ‘Unclouded by Longing‘. We consider the limits of trying to live a life in which we know everything about what is happening, and the possibility, as Wendell Berry says, that ‘It may be that when we no longer know what to do we have come to our real work, and that when we no longer know which way to go we have begun our real journey’. Along the way we explore what happens when we make ourselves vulnerable and open to the unexpected, and the gifts of contactfulness with ourselves and others that can come from this.

We are live on facebook each Sunday morning at 9am UK time, and we’d love to have you with us. You can join our members-only facebook group here to watch live and join in the conversation.

Here’s our source for this week:

The Gift of Not Knowing
by Christopher Goodchild, from ‘Unclouded by Longing

Not knowing when the dawn will come I open every door.
Emily Dickinson

Letting go of trying to work everything out in your head can lead you directly into the most sublime mystery of all. Your heart. Your true Self. To open yourself to this mystery, you will often have to pass through the discomfort of the rational mind simply ‘not knowing’.

What at first might seem like an impending breakdown can easily become a profound breakthrough. This is beautifully conveyed in ‘The Real Work’ by Wendell Berry:

“It may be that when we no longer know what to do we have come to our real work, and that when we no longer know which way to go we have begun our real journey. The mind that is not baffled is not employed. The impeded stream is the one that sings.”

The emotional distress that often accompanies losing your direction in life cannot be glamorised nor underestimated, when you are unable to come up with a rational solution to your predicament. However, it is true to say that one of the greatest gifts you have received in this life is the gift of desperation directly linked to the rational mind not coming up trumps.

In many ways ‘being’ in uncertainty and mystery is a necessary rite of passage you must go through in order to enter into the heart of what it means to be most alive. As a writer you see it as a vocational calling for you to invite the unfamiliar. In living your life in this way you surrender into something greater, your perceptions are stretched, as is your imagination — pushing the boundaries of what is unknown and unforeseen.

The breakthrough experience, whereby you move from lost to found, is exhilarating. The attachment to the small self is loosened, and an infinitely larger, more expansive Self is glimpsed. It is here, in these glimpses that a startling new landscape, or perhaps a radically new way of seeing, is opened up within you. Here the words of Jesus come to mind, ‘For those who want to save their life will lose it, and those who lose their life for my sake will find it.’

To embrace the gift of not knowing is to embark on one of the greatest adventures, and one that if fully entered into will change your life forever.

 

Photo Credit: ShanePix Flickr via Compfight cc

Never Not Broken

In our work as integral development coaches, we draw on stories, metaphors, characters and myths to open up worlds of possibility with our clients. This week we explore a narrative that is deeply aligned with both Turning Towards Life and thirdspace coaching and which expresses the the invitation present in our work.

In this episode of ‘Turning Towards Life’ we explore the possibilities of knowing ourselves at once as perfect and always unfinished, broken, incomplete. We consider the life-giving possibilities of owning up to our messiness, and the opportunities for deepened contact with ourselves and with others when we do so. And we explore the way our attempts to look as if we have it all together (does anyone, really, have it all together?) add unnecessary suffering and difficulty to our lives.

We are live every Sunday morning at 9am UK time, diving deep into topics like this. You can join our members-only facebook group here to be with us.

Never Not Broken

Akhilandeshvari, The Goddess of Never Not Broken, represents the kind of things that people shy away from. You may have bumped into her occasionally hidden in the dark alleyways of life, but turned your gaze away. You’ve likely fallen into her embrace once or twice: in hospitals, at work, watching the news, or in your car, but broke away as quickly as possible.

She’s the kind of goddess you don’t want to take home to meet your mother — she’d give your mother nightmares. But her power is unparalleled.

Pronounced ah-kee-LAN-desh-va-ree, “Akhilandeshvari” translates as “Never Not Broken.” She shows us the power and opportunity of being broken into pieces by heartache, disaster, great fortune, and other life changes and traumas.

However she takes this to the furthest extreme, purposefully keeping herself broken wide open, allowing herself to flow with every current, creating and fragmenting and recreating herself endlessly. She steadfastly refuses to paste herself together into a stable form, shunning the limitations that she’d have to abide and the false identities that would hide reality.

She rides on a crocodile: the very survival-fear that keep most of us chained to the known and routine is her flying carpet!

She is not controlled by the need to keep her identity consistent, or even alive.

She dances and spins and breaks herself into shards of light, tossing out new possibilities for herself like flower petals from a cherry tree.

The goddess Never-Not-Broken promises that the greatest magic is in the transformative moments: the heartbreak, the uncertainties, the pause before we hit the ground… and what we do with ourselves after we land.

She is the goddess of Surrendering to Change, and we are getting to know her well these days.

It’s normal to fear and resist change, but Akhilandeshvari whispers to us also of freedom — liberation from the past, from habits and wounds, from stifling routines, from everything that once was good but has become a burden or a prison.

Liberation, indeed, from all the illusions of the ego.

She is, in the same instant, the personification of destruction and rebirth. But not like Kali the Destroyer who levels us all with her sword. Akhilandeshvari yields to the destruction of herself, her ego and self-identity, so that she can remain in contact with truth — the Divine Source that is manifesting Itself as one individual”.**

**Edited for the purpose of our Turning Towards Life Sunday morning broadcast from this website where you can read more.

Photo by Scott Rodgerson on Unsplash

Through the Wall of Flame

Sometimes stepping into our lives means stepping through a wall of flame into something bigger that we cannot yet see.

In this episode of ‘Turning Towards Life’ we begin with a piece written by Mark Nepo, ‘Through the Wall of Flame’, which you can find below. We talk about how easy it is to imprison ourselves in a smaller life than we wish for, as a way of trying to keep ourselves away from danger and out of painful experiences.

And we ask ourselves a big question – “What is it that we’re so dedicated to not feeling, that we’re willing to ruin our lives to avoid it?”. Along the way we consider the liberating possibilities that come when we’re willing to encounter what we’ve been avoiding, and to do so with the loving help of others.

You can join us for a live conversation on facebook every Sunday morning at 9am UK time, for a deep dive into topics like this. Join our members-only facebook group here to be with us.

And you can find our more about our work as thirdspace coaching here.

Through the Wall of Flame
by Mark Nepo, from ‘The Book of Awakening

As a frightened man in a burning boat
has only one way to the rest of his life,
we must move with courage
through the wall of flame
into the greater sea.

Living long enough, we each find ourselves surrounded by an old way of being, thinking, or loving that is going up in flames. In that unexpected moment, we usually find ourselves full of fear, feeling trapped by an old way of life coming in on us. But this is the passage of rebirth that we must move through if our lives are to unfold. It is the momentary and painful crossing from what is old into what is new.

It is understandable to stall at the wall of flame, not wanting to face all that is burning around us. Yet old ways can burn forever, and waiting for the flames to go out seldom works. We can waste years in the waiting.

Like the frightened man in the burning boat, we must trust that the greater sea we are jumping into will douse whatever catches fire as we move through. This is what faith is all about.

Without trying to be brave and with great fear, I have stumbled and jumped through many walls of flame. The first time, I think, was in leaving home—needing to go, burning at the edge, afraid I wouldn’t survive beyond the flame of anger in which I was raised. Not much later, I had to move through the flames of first-love rejection. Here the broken part of me was almost willing to be burned alive. I felt certain there was nowhere to go and nothing that could soothe me. I more fell through this wall than jumped and, of course, once in the sea of life beyond myself, the world continued and I healed.

Perhaps the greatest wall of flame I had to jump through was the pain of cancer and the prospect of dying. It seemed the entire sea was on fire. Even once overboard, drifting farther and farther from the flames, I thought I might drown. How could I know that greater sea was the womb of a deeper life? I’m sure this is the same for anyone struggling to break out of any form of addiction, illness, or abusive relationship.

bookofawakening

 

Photo Credit: bryanshoots Flickr via Compfight cc

You were always in safe hands

Here’s ‘In Safe Hands’, the 39th episode of Turning Towards Life, a weekly live 30 minute conversation hosted by thirdspace coaching in which Lizzie Winn and I dive deep into big questions of human living.

This week we begin with a poem by Jeff Foster which makes the radical suggestion that what we’re trying to get to, and what we’re trying to run from, obscure a simple and vital truth: that we’ve misunderstood what we are. And that what we need is right here, just where we are, waiting for us.

Along the way we talk about what it is to find language for that part of human experience that is, essentially, unsayable. And we remind ourselves that while we’re often far away from ourselves it’s always in returning home that healing happens.

You can join our members-only facebook group for live conversation and community here.

Here’s the source for this week’s conversation, written by Jeff Foster.

In Safe Hands

You get tired of half-truths, don’t you? 
You get tired of pretending 
You get tired of the world’s promises 
You get tired of… waiting. 
You even get tired of getting tired.

You get tired of ‘you’ – 
The one who ‘gets tired of’.

A divine disillusionment 
And a great paradox – 
For who gets tired of whom?

In the midst of despair 
You find yourself staring life in the face 
Naked and unprotected 
in front of its sacredness. 
And for the first time 
(For whatever reason) 
You do not turn away.

It breaks you open 
It shatters your dreams 
It burns up your certainty. 
Even your dreams of enlightenment 
do not stand a chance.

You shit yourself with fear 
You cry out for help 
(Why has it forsaken you?)

And then 
For the the first time 
You feel deeply alive 
Undivided from life itself 
Resting in the arms of the One 
you always sought 
Unprotected yet utterly safe 
Free at last 
Free at last.

It destroys the one you thought you were 
But it never touches the One you are.

This is the road less travelled, they say 
A road leading not to the future 
Not to the promised land 
But to the one reading these words now

To the one who knew all along 
That all along this road’s ancient edges 
lies the shed skin of lost identities and unkept promises.

Clean yourself up, my friend 
You were always in safe hands.

– Jeff Foster

Photo Credit: Meanest Indian Flickr via Compfight cc

Practicing Radical Self-Responsibility

Here’s episode 38 of ‘Turning Towards Life’, our weekly, live 30 minute deep dive into the bigger questions of human life, in which I’m joined by Lizzie Winn as part of thirdspace coaching.

This week ‘Practicing Radical Self-Responsibility’, a call to action from activist Taj James of the Movement Strategy Centre, an organisation dedicated to “lead a transition from a world of domination and extraction to a world of regeneration, resilience, and interdependence… To put love at the centre, reimagine possibility, navigate into the unknown, and step into the new future that is calling us forward.”.

In this conversation, Lizzie and I consider the balance between strictness with ourselves (so we remember our responsibility to act) and kindness (so we can draw on our goodness and capacity, and not collapse into shame or self-righteousness). It’s a tricky and life-giving act of paying attention that’s called for in any of us who want to actually take care of the world and not just talk about it. And we celebrate the ordinary everyday acts of responsibility that can inspire us to rise to the bigger acts of taking a stand that our times are calling for.

You can join our members-only facebook group for live conversation and community here.

Here’s the source for this week’s conversation, written by Taj James.

Practicing Radical Self-Responsibility 
(notes to selves)
I can only speak for myself
I can only change myself.
There are some things about myself
I can not change.
They are aspects of who I am.
I need to learn to accept and love
All aspects of who I am
And
I am not
who I think I am
I Am Everything
And
Responsible for
every little thing
i am
Intentions matter and
I am fully responsible
for ALL of the impact I create
Without consciousness
There is no choice
Responsibility is Complete.
Weather actions or impacts flow
from conscious or unconscious
action/non-action
Choosing unconsciousness,
knowing it is a root source
from which harm flows,
has specific consequences
Cultivating consciousness
requires healing, support
great courage and spiritual discipline
Self-harm, isolation, shame and regret
perpetuate the cycles of of harm
and prevent healing, repair and restoration.
Dare to be free
Shame and silence
are the most harmful forces
in the multiverse
Harm flows
from the shadows
we have not embraced
followed close behind
by certainty
Yes, Love
is the only
generative
certainty
And, all other forms of certainty
are only
domination and hubris
masking fear and a
desire for control
i have been harmed
i have caused harm
that makes me a human
Focus on the love you have shared
not just the harm you have caused
Celebrate and soak in
the gratitude and
Do your best to acknowledge and
clean up the messes you make
Pay your debts and
pay all the debts you can pay
even those you may not be responsible for
Acknowledgement, connection, an apology and a smile
don’t cost anything
Some debts can never be repaid.
If you owe a debt like this,
spend each day of your life
grateful for the opportunity
to fail everyday
at repaying it.
Reconnect you to your bigger self.
Regret, self-hate, guilt only deepen the harm generated by
your unconsciousness and disconnection
generated by your fear, thoughtlessness or delusion
born from the harm and traumas that flowed into you
Whenever I forget any of this truth
Please, quickly, firmly and gently
remind me.
— Taj James movementstrategy.org

On Feeling Like a Fraud

Here’s episode 37 of ‘Turning Towards Life’, our weekly, live 30 minute deep dive into the bigger questions of human life.

This week ‘On Feeling a Fraud’, an experience common to most of us but which we keep hidden for fear of being found out. But what if being ‘found out’ is a path to discovering our own capacity and entering into the kind of life-giving relationships we long for?

You can find out more about thirdspace coaching at http://www.thirdspacecoaching.com

Here’s the source for this week’s conversation, written by Lizzie.

On Feeling Like a Fraud

The feeling that I will be found out one day. That someone will come and lift the facade and see me for all my faults and inadequacy. That the powers that Be will expose me, exile me, shame me. That finally and once and for all I will be outed for all the things I don’t know, all the ways I’ve been half baked. All the ways I have made it look like everything’s ok when I am really like a duck on the water, (looking like water does indeed run off a ducks back), and my little legs are going wild beneath the surface of the water trying to stay afloat and keep this whole thing going.

My little legs are going ten to the dozen because:

I have to go this fast just to keep up
If I don’t keep momentum then I will fall behind
If I don’t paddle hard I will be seen for what’s really going on inside
If I let up I will be cast out for my uselessness
If I stop and be real and admit it’s hard, I will be outed as the shameful creature I really am. This duck, like any other duck.

Who feels incapable, ineffective, confused, sad, grief filled, flawed, lacking in confidence. Who is doing their best to be loved, to be good, to be successful, to be worthy and to be noticed.

If anyone could see the flapping, the freak outs, the procrastination, the laziness, the incompleteness, the disorganised, the short cuts, the mistakes, the arguments, the lack of knowledge, just how much I’m winging it.

I would surely be cast out. The worst of human shame. To be lost and exposed and raw in the surety of being faced with my own brokenness – fully acknowledged by the world and the people who are powerful and important to me.

And yet.

In the sharing of my inadequacy, I gently find out that I am not alone. And it turns out that all these feelings, all this fear is a universal thing. It’s not actually mine. It’s a general consequence of humanness. And we all had parents and cultures and education systems that used shame as their main source of power. Because they didn’t have anything else at their finger tips when faced with the human in front of them.

So each time we share, each time we open and each time we join one another and undo the shame by seeing each other and accept the unacceptable. We heal and we grow in confidence that we are good, we are worthy, we are loved. We are vulnerable and that’s how it should be. Unfinished, messy, lovable, doing the very best we can. And doing that alongside our fellow humans in connection, in warmth, in kindness.

And together we journey. All flawed, all broken, all holding one another in the great web of life that is human community.

— Lizzie Winn

Don’t be ashamed to be human, be proud

Here’s episode 36 of ‘Turning Towards Life’, our weekly, live 30 minute deep dive into the bigger questions of human life, with Lizzie Winn.

This week, “Don’t Be Ashamed to be Human”. So many of us figure that we have to go through life essentially alone, like super-heroes, hiding all our difficulties and failures and in the process finding ourselves far away from the joys of deep human contact and support. We wonder about what it takes to turn towards the life-giving support of others, and how coaching, community, friendship and family can be ways of entering into this with one another.

We also talk about the extraordinary two-day introduction to Integral Development Coaching, ‘Coaching to Excellence‘ which will be offered by thirdspace in London on 1st-2nd October 2018.

Here’s the source for this week’s conversation:

Romanesque Arches
Tomas Tranströmer
Tourists have crowded into the half-dark of the enormous
Romanesque church.
Vault opening behind vault and no perspective.
A few candle flames flickered.
An angel with no face embraced me
and his whisper went all through my body:
“Don’t be ashamed to be a human being, be proud!
Inside you one vault after another opens endlessly.
You’ll never be complete, and that’s as it should be.”
Tears blinded me
as we were herded out into the fiercely sunlit piazza,
together with Mr. and Mrs. Jones, Herr Tanaka and Signora Sabatini;
within each of them vault after vault opened endlessly.

And For No Reason

In episode 35 of ‘Turning Towards Life‘, our weekly 30 minute deep dive into big questions of human living, Lizzie and I take up the topic of joy as a necessary orientation in human life.

What is it about joy, we wonder, that makes it different from ‘happiness’? How is it that the way we get obsessed with our difficulties, or with completing goals, interrupts our capacity to be in contact with the wonder of being alive? What were all the ways we got taught from a very young age that joy is somehow a distraction from the serious work of living and getting things done? And what if opening to joy is a radical political act, a deeper commitment that we can bring to everything as we start to be honest about the finite nature of our lives and our limited time?

In this weekly project from thirdspace coaching we dive deep in a live, inspiring, unscripted 30 minute conversation. Our aim – to learn as much as we teach, to discover as we go, and to give support to all of us in turning towards our lives with depth and creativity rather than turning away.

Here’s the source for this week’s conversation:

And For No Reason – Hafiz (translated by Daniel Ladinsky)

And
For no reason
I start skipping like a child.

And
For no reason
I turn into a leaf
That is carried so high
I kiss the Sun’s mouth
And dissolve.

And
For no reason
A thousand birds
Choose my head for a conference table,
Start passing their
Cups of wine
And their wild songbooks all around.

And
For every reason in existence
I begin to eternally,
To eternally laugh and love!

When I turn into a leaf
And start dancing,
I run to kiss our beautiful Friend
And I dissolve in the Truth
That I Am.

We’re live every Sunday morning at 9am UK time. You can join our facebook group to watch live, view archives, and join in the growing community and conversation that’s happening around this project.

Photo Credit: kaddisudhi via Compfight cc

 

Waiting for Events to Save Us

Here’s episode 34 of ‘Turning Towards Life’ episode with Lizzie Winn: ‘Practice, Not Events’. In this episode we talk about the events that can shape a life, and the mistake we make when we wait for events to save us. What comes instead, we wonder, when we hold on less tightly to what happens and dedicate ourselves to a life of dedicated practice? Along the way we talk about near-death experiences, weddings, and organisational change.

In this weekly project from thirdspace coaching we dive deep in a live, inspiring, unscripted 30 minute conversation. Our aim – to learn as much as we teach, to discover as we go, and to give support to all of us in turning towards our lives with depth and creativity rather than turning away.

Here’s the source for this week’s conversation, from an earlier post on this blog.

Practice, Not Events

Between June 2011 and the following July I had three close encounters with death. Three life punctuating events brought about by sudden and unexpected changes within my body, each shocking and frightening, each a reminder of how fragile and unpredictable life can be.

As I recovered from each episode I expected – hoped – that I would in some way be profoundly different. I wanted so much to find myself more grateful, more accepting, more joyful of life’s many small blessings, less judgmental, less afraid, less irritated by small things, more kind, and more dedicated to being present and welcoming and loving with the people who matter to me.

But it didn’t work out so simply. I emerged from each experience blinking and shaken and grateful, and soon settled back into many of my familiar patterns.

Over time I’ve found myself thinking about this differently. What happens if I allow these experiences to inform the way I live rather than expecting them to change me? How can I, having encountered the possibility of death so closely, use my experience to commit fully and wisely and generously to life?

In taking on this question I’m finding out that the change I seek is a question of practice rather than of events. And that I am an ongoing process much more than I am a thing with enduring properties, an object that is a particular way. I live myself into being, day after day. I am always living myself into being by the very ways in which I live.

How I move, how much I take care of myself, how I express curiosity and interest in the world, how I speak and listen, how I sleep, how I sing and laugh, how I play and create, how I bind myself up in community, how I practice compassion and stillness, how I love, how I work – all these shape the life I am living and who I become, far more than the punctuating events themselves.

And this tells me so much about the mistaken ways in which I look for change in myself and in my relationships with others. When I mistake life for a thing I imagine an event of sufficient power will do it. An affecting conversation, a kiss, a show of force, a book with a revelatory idea in it, an illness, a windfall, a conference, an argument, the right gift, or a brush with death will fix things, in the same way that I might fix a dented metal bowl by attempting to knock it into shape. But when I know myself as a living, unfolding process, events take up their proper place as teachers rather than fixers, educating me about the ongoing practices by which I can take care of this one precious life.

The more I imagine events alone will do it, the more I set myself up for the despair and frustration that comes from relying on something that cannot help.

And the more I commit to the ongoing, long-term, diligent and patient practice of living in a way that brings life, the more genuine reason I have to hope.

We’re live this Sunday morning at 9am UK time. You can join our facebook group to watch live, view archives, and join in the growing community and conversation that’s happening around this project.

 

The Journey of the Wild Flower

In this episode of our ‘Turning Towards Life’ Project Lizzie and I talk about how attempts to turn away from the dark usually have the effect of turning us away from our own aliveness. We consider how we might start to see the unknowability of life as part of life’s essential condition, and how telling the truth about our own experience is a path towards embracing what we can’t change and flourishing in the midst of it.

Along the way we start to see how in the end, we can never really turn away from life – because we are, all of us, expressions of life – and how it’s our misunderstandings around this that cause us so much difficulty.

The journey of the wildflower

This morning I was stopped in my tracks
By the simple, exquisite beauty
Of a violet-petalled flower who had
Burst her way into bloom
Out of a crack in a concrete wall.

I wondered why I was so moved by her –
Why I felt such deep and instant friendship,
And I realised that she was beaming me
With the truth that
All growth starts in darkness.
That all beginnings are seemingly hopeless –
That it is impossible to imagine
The violet of a future petal
When all you know is the darkness
And hardness of the unknown.

And that this is how it is for us
When we are asked repeatedly by life
To turn towards the pain,
The sacredness,
The beauty,
The grief,
The constant endings
As well as the constant beginnings,
Without knowing how or why
Or even if we can bear any of it at all.

But here she was,
Blooming at me,
Telling me with every cell
To keep turning towards
The fire of the Sun.
To keep risking it,
To keep my petals open,
To know beyond the hardness of the concrete
Who I really am.

Sometimes it happens like this, you see;
A wildflower invites me all the way home
And I follow her.

Hollie Holden

We’re live each Sunday morning at 9am UK time. You can join our facebook group to watch live, view archives, and join in the growing community and conversation that’s happening around this project.

Hey! I’m Talking to You!

In this episode, Lizzie and I talk about the inner ‘predator’ or ‘inner critic’ force that keeps us small and living – essentially – a life that’s not fully our own. We consider the kind of power that’s required from each of us to break free of this constraint so we can claim our own lives, and how this inner move is profoundly connected to our capacity to exercise power in healthy and life-giving ways in the world around us.

Along the way we consider how it’s only really possible to do this work in relationship with others (hence the importance of community, and the contribution of our profession of coaching), and we imagine a world in which the marketing messages that bombard us each day remind us of our dignity, goodness and nobility instead of trying to fuel the critic by showing us how we might ‘improve’ ourselves all the time.

Our source is Jose Enciso’s poem ‘I’m Talking to You!’, reproduced here with Jose’s permission.

You can find out more about Jose and his work on his website http://www.setthetruthfree.com

​I’m talking to you!

Long into the night
and still long to the dawn

Past the parade of losses
and betrayals of self
wrought of service to the wrong god.

Awoken from a fitful slumber
bathed in regret and remorse.
A protest profound arises
deep within my grief.
A holy howl
screaming at the thief.

Hey!  I’m talking to you!
Yes, you, in the corner,
slinking and smirking.

You, who kept me down all these years.

You, who gave me crumbs
and told me it was a life.

This is not my life!

This is insecurity,
apology,
I’m sorry if I offended thee.

This is grovel and hovel.
Bow down
that will keep you safe and sound.

You broke into my house
and rearranged all the furniture.
You stole my childhood
and made me a caricature.

Hey!  I’m talking to you!

I want my life back.
Not this check and double check,
doubt and re-doubt.

Me, the nice guy with no backbone.
Me, the nice guy who doesn’t even know if he wants Mexican or Chinese.
(mmm, I don’t know, what do you want?)
Me, the noble, beautiful, kind man
who only sees ugliness and embarrassment in your mirror.

I have given away too much.
I have lain down deep in despair.
I have – almost – given up hope.

But, you have not won yet.

Right now, I’m calling you out.

I am not ready to die
in a house decorated by someone else.

 -Jose Enciso

Lizzie Winn and I are live every Sunday morning at 9am UK time for the thirdspace coaching ‘Turning Towards Life‘ project. You can join our facebook group to watch live, view archives, and join in the growing community and conversation that’s happening around this project.

Transforming Our Wounds

In our ‘Turning Towards Life‘ conversation of Sunday, 6th May 2018, Lizzie and I talked about what to do with the pain we experience in life. What does it take, we wondered, for us to work with all the ways we got wounded (inevitably) in a way that can be a gift to others and not a source of further wounding? And what does it take to accept how little control we have over life (and how much we want!) in a way that’s not a kind of giving up?

We also explore what it is to be intimate with our own experience, and to take responsibility in a way that acknowledges that while we have very little power over many things, we still have enormous power to shape how we respond.

The source is for our conversation is from the Jesuit writer and teacher Fr. Richard Rohr.

Transforming Our Pain

Pain teaches a most counterintuitive thing: we must go down before we even know what up is. In terms of the ego, most religions teach in some way that all must “die before they die.” Suffering of some sort seems to be the only thing strong enough to both destabilize and reveal our arrogance, our separateness, and our lack of compassion. I define suffering very simply as “whenever you are not in control.” Suffering is the most effective way whereby humans learn to trust, allow, and give up control to Another Source. I wish there were a different answer, but Jesus reveals on the cross both the path and the price of full transformation into the divine.

When religion cannot find a meaning for human suffering, human beings far too often become cynical, bitter, negative, and blaming. Healthy religion, almost without realizing it, shows us what to do with our pain, with the absurd, the tragic, the nonsensical, the unjust. If we do not transform our pain, we will most assuredly transmit it. If we cannot find a way to make our wounds into sacred wounds, we invariably give up on life and humanity. I am afraid there are bitter and blaming people everywhere, both inside and outside of the church. As they go through life, the hurts, disappointments, betrayals, abandonments, and the burden of their own sinfulness and brokenness all pile up, and they do not know how to deal with all this negativity. This is what we need to be “saved” from.

If there isn’t some way to find some deeper meaning to our suffering, to find that God is somehow in it, and can even use it for good, we will normally close up and close down. The natural movement of the small self or ego is to protect itself so as not to be hurt again. Neuroscience now shows us that we attach to negativity “like Velcro” unless we intentionally develop another neural path like forgiveness or letting go”.

Transforming Our Pain – by Richard Rohr (taken from the Centre for Action and Contemplation daily emails).

https://cac.org/transforming-our-pain-2016-02-26/

We’re live every Sunday morning at 9am UK time. You can join our facebook group to watch live, view archives, and join in the growing community and conversation that’s happening around this project.

Because Even the Word ‘Obstacle’ is an Obstacle

In this episode of ‘Turning Towards Life’ Lizzie and I talk about how our stories about what’s happening can get in the way of our bringing ourselves fully into life. We consider how the very way in which we make sense of ourselves as ‘having to get somewhere’ with obstacles in our path that need to be overcome can throw us into an interpretation of life that’s riddled with fear, resentment, and comparison. We wonder together what it would be to ‘swim past obstacles without grudges or memory’ and to understand life as an unfolding story that changes itself in each moment and with each action – and what new possibilities for freedom and contribution that can bring.

Our source is the poem ‘Because Even the World Obstacle is and Obstacle’ by Alison Luterman, reproduced with permission from the author. You can find out more about Alison at www.alisonluterman.net

“Because Even the Word Obstacle is an Obstacle” by Alison Luterman

Try to love everything that gets in your way:
The Chinese women in flowered bathing caps
murmuring together in Mandarin doing leg exercises in your lane
while you execute thirty-six furious laps,
one for every item on your to-do list.
The heavy-bellied man who goes thrashing through the water
like a horse with a harpoon stuck in its side and
whose breathless tsunamis rock you from your course.
Teachers all. Learn to be small
and swim past obstacles like a minnow,
without grudges or memory. Dart
toward your goal, sperm to egg. Thinking, Obstacle,
is another obstacle. Try to love the teenage girl
lounging against the ladder, showing off her new tattoo:
Cette vie est la mienne, This life is mine,
in thick blue-black letters on her ivory instep.
Be glad she’ll have that to look at the rest of her life, and
keep going. Swim by an uncle
in the lane next to yours who is teaching his nephew
how to hold his breath underwater,
even though kids aren’t supposed
to be in the pool at this hour. Someday,
years from now, this boy
who is kicking and flailing in the exact place
you want to touch and turn
may be a young man at a wedding on a boat,
raising his champagne glass in a toast
when a huge wave hits, washing everyone overboard.
He’ll come up coughing and spitting like he is now,
but he’ll come up like a cork,
alive. So your moment
of impatience must bow in service to the larger story,
because if something is in your way, it is
going your way, the way
of all beings: toward darkness, toward light.

Photo Credit: bdrc Flickr via Compfight cc

Soul Food

In this episode Lizzie and I read and talk about ‘Soul Food’, a chapter of the ‘The Way and the Power of the Way‘ by Ursula Le Guin.

Together we explore the ways in which certainty can make us rigid and closed to the world and to one another, how we try (unsuccessfully) to make the world and others into our own image (a huge part of the societal struggles we’re in at this time in history), and how the simple act of learning to load the dishwasher together can be a path towards the kind of humility and openness that’s life giving and makes for profound and responsive relationship. Along the way we come to a new understanding of what the name of our coaching company ‘thirdspace‘ might mean, and how coaching can be a way of helping ourselves and others open ever more fully to life.

Here’s the source for our conversation:

Soul Food

Everybody on earth knowing
that beauty is beautiful
makes ugliness.

Everybody knowing
that goodness is good
makes wickedness.

For being and non being
arise together;
hard and easy
complete each other;
long and short shape each other;
high and low
depend on each other;
note and voice
make the music together;
before and after
follow each other.

That’s why the wise soul
does without doing,
teaches without talking.

The things of this world
exist, they are;
you can’t refuse them.

To bear and not to own;
to act and not lay claim;
to do the work and let it go;
for just letting it go
is what makes it stay.

Ursula LeGuin – from ‘Tao Te Ching: The Way and The Power of The Way

We’re live every Sunday morning at 9am UK time. You can join our facebook group to watch live, view archives, and join in the growing community and conversation that’s happening around this project.

The Paradox of Change

On Sunday 15th March 2018 Lizzie and I talked about The Paradox of Change, inspired by a passage from Lawrence Kushner’s book ‘God Was in this Place and I,i Did Not Know‘. It’s a tricky and important subject we’re taking on here – how it is that our very efforts to change so easily end up being what imprisons us; how it’s the very effort to be a particular way that constricts and narrows the wider flow of creative life that we all, in the end, are; and how a kind of surrender is often called for if we’re to step into life fully, a letting life through rather than a trying to get life into a particular shape.

Here’s the source for our conversation:

The paradox of change

Not until we recognise our bondage can we begin to move toward freedom.

It is a paradox. Change begins not by trying to change. And what you imagine you must do in order to change yourself is often the very force that keeps you precisely the way you are. How else can you explain the years and decades of your own foiled plans for growth and broken resolutions. Consumed by an apparent passion to be “other” than who you are, you try to be who you are not, but in so doing succeed only in being a person who is trying to be other than who you are. Thus the goal […] is self-discovery—the discovery not of another self but of one’s true self. Beneath all the layers of wanting to be different, self-dissatisfaction, pretence, charade, and denial is a self. This self is a living dynamic force within everyone. And if you could remain still long enough here, now, in this very place, you would discover who you are. And by discovering who you are, you would at last be free to discover who you yet also might be.

You can be who you are, or you can pretend to be who you are not. If you choose the latter (as most of us have done since adolescence), an infinite variety of self-deceptions lie before you. You can pretend to be wise when you are ignorant, weak when you are strong, courageous when you are timid, confident when you are unsure. There is no end to the list. But remember this: none of these pretensions, no matter how noble, appropriate, or convincing, will fashion genuine change. They will instead require increasingly greater amounts of energy and enmesh you in increasingly complicated nets of deception. Or you can cease pretending to be someone you are not and discover at this moment who you are. Who am I writing these words? Who are you reading them?

Lawrence Kushner, from God Was in this Place and I,i Did Not Know

We’re live every Sunday morning at 9am UK time. You can join our facebook group to watch live, view archives, and join in the growing community and conversation that’s happening around this project.

Identity and Integrity

On Sunday, 8th April 2018, Lizzie and I talked on ‘Turning Towards Life‘ about identity and integrity, inspired by a passage in Parker Palmer’s book The Courage to Teacha wonderful book for anyone – teacher or not – who wants to bring themselves to their work and life with integrity and depth.

Parker Palmer begins his book with the claim that ‘good teaching cannot be reduced to technique; good teaching comes from the identity and integrity of the teacher’ – and we agree. It’s an orientation that underpins how we approach the teaching of coaching in our Professional Coaching Course, and the practice of coaching itself. It’s also true of being a parent, a creator of any sort, a participant in community, and a leader. It also relates wholly to what it’s like to be on the journey of a conscious person who pays attention to life, and who holds relationships with others at the heart of their enquiry. And this turns out to belong centrally in the lives of good teachers and educators of all kinds.

We’re live each Sunday morning at 9am UK time. You can join our facebook group to watch live, view archives, and join in the growing community and conversation that’s happening around this project.

Here’s our source for this conversation:

Identity and Integrity
by Parker Palmer, from ‘The Courage to Teach

By identity I mean an evolving nexus where all the forces that constitute my life converge in the mystery of self: my genetic make-up, the nature of the man and woman who gave me life, the culture in which I was raised, people who have sustained me and people who have done me harm, the good and ill I have done to others and myself, the experience of love and suffering – and much , much more. In the midst of that complex field, identity is a moving intersection of the inner and outer forces that make me who I am, convening in the irreducible mystery of being human.

By integrity I mean whatever wholeness I am able to find within that nexus as its vectors form and re-form the pattern of my life. Integrity requires that I discern what is integral to my selfhood, what fits and what does not – and that I choose life giving ways of relating to the forces that converge within me: do I welcome them or fear them, embrace them or reject them, move with them or against them ? By choosing integrity, I become more whole, but wholeness does not mean perfection. It means becoming more real by acknowledging the whole of who I am.

Identity and integrity are not the granite from which fictional heroes are hewn. They are subtle dimensions of the complex, demanding and life long process of self-discovery. Identity lies in the intersection of the diverse forces that make up my life, and integrity lies in relating to those forces in ways that bring me wholeness and life rather than fragmentation and death.

This is your assignment. Focus.

On Sunday, 1st April 2018, Lizzie and Justin talked about making art, and about responding to the darkness and messiness of the world (and ourselves) with hope and transparency. Along the way we talk about fear, the way we keep ourselves stuck by trying to have it all together, and the importance of communities in which every part of us can feel welcomed. The entire episode is a call to the kind of hope expressed by Vaclav Havel – a hope that’s not dependent upon things getting better, but which comes from knowing that, even if our efforts fail, we have the capacities and qualities we need to improve things.

The book Lizzie talks about in this episode is Parker Palmer’s The Courage to Teach.

The source for our conversation is from writer Courtney Martin and artist Wendy McNaughton. It’s reproduced in full above in a wonderful image that can be ordered as a poster – a reminder to us all of the necessary, life-giving and transforming power that comes from making art. You can read more about the source over at Maria Popova’s Brain Pickings.

We’re live each Sunday morning at 9am UK time. You can join our facebook group to watch live, view archives, and join in the growing community and conversation that’s happening around this project.

Image Credit: Wendy MacNaughton and Courtney E. Martin

 

Giving Up What No Longer Works

On Sunday, 25th March 2018, as part of our ‘Turning Towards Life‘ project, Lizzie Winn and I talked about ‘Giving up what no longer works’, focussing on the topic of sacrifice and generosity. What, we wondered, makes the difference between an act of generosity (or a life of generosity) that diminishes and burns us up, and a life in which we are nourished as we go? And what might be our part, our responsibility, in having life be that way when it’s possible, so that giver, receiver and gift are all an expression of life?

The source is for our conversation is from the poet, philosopher and teacher Mark Nepo.

Giving Up What No Longer Works

from The Book of Awakening by Mark Nepo

Burning your way to centre
is the loneliest fire of all.
You’ll know you have arrived
when nothing else will burn.

At first this sounds rather somber, but from Moses to Buddha to Jesus, the deepest among us have all shown that living is a process of constantly paring down until we carry only what is essential.

It is the same in the human journey as in the natural world. As the centre grows stronger, what once was protective turns into a covering, like a tree bark or snake skin, that is now in the way, and, sooner or later, we as spirits growing in bodies are faced with burning old skins, like rags on sticks, to light our way as we move deeper and deeper into the inner world, where the forces of God make us one.

When faced with the need to keep going inward, we are confronted with a very difficult kind of life choice: like carving up your grandmother’s table for firewood to keep your loved ones warm, or leaving a job that has been safe and fulfilling in order to feel vital again, or burning an old familiar sense of self because it’s gotten so thick you can’t feel the rain.

In truth, always needing to stay immediate by removing what is no longer real is the working inner definition of sacrifice – giving up with reverence and compassion what no longer works in order to stay close to what is sacred.

— Mark Nepo, from The Book of Awakening

We’re live each Sunday morning at 9am UK time. You can join our facebook group to watch live, view archives, and join in the growing community and conversation that’s happening around this project.

A Ritual to Read to Each Other

In this episode of ‘Turning Towards Life’ from Sunday, 18th March 2018, Lizzie and I talk about William Stafford’s extraordinary poem ‘A Ritual to Read to Each Other‘. We consider how easy it is to miss one another, even in the midst of conversation, and the damage that can come from our so-easy falling into ‘being right’. Along the way we explore how our early life experiences can blind us to what’s happening now, and the importance of trusting the deep underlying goodness of people (including ourselves) if we’re to find our way into right relationship.

We’re live each Sunday morning at 9am UK time. You can see archives of all our previous conversations at turningtowards.life and join our facebook group to watch live, view archives, and join in the growing community and conversation that’s happening around this project.

Photo Credit: Christina Helton’s Shops Flickr via Compfight cc

The Clearing

In our ‘Turning Towards Life‘ conversation of 11th March 2018, Lizzie and I talk about what it is to drop our defendedness enough, to open enough, that we can be a ‘clearing’ space for mutual integrity, perhaps even in the midst of our biggest difficulties.

We explore the kinds of conversations and relationships that are possible from there, why it’s difficult and – at the same time – very natural, and the practices that can support us in more often being able to find the required depth and spaciousness in the midst of things. The source for this week’s conversation is written by Lizzie:

The Clearing

As I get more honest
Less defended
More open to another’s reality
As they share from where only they can

As I cultivate willing acceptance in the moment
Including more and more
(Even things that I thought
Were unacceptable)

As I fuel my curiosity with
open eyes and an open heart
My clearing appears for
The content of my life to
Be held within it

(And others are invited into the clearing
For the content of their life
To be held within it also)

— Lizzie Winn

We’re live every Sunday morning at 9am UK time. You can join our facebook group to watch live, view archives, and join in the growing community and conversation that’s happening around this project.