Sometimes stepping into our lives means stepping through a wall of flame into something bigger that we cannot yet see.
In this episode of ‘Turning Towards Life’ we begin with a piece written by Mark Nepo, ‘Through the Wall of Flame’, which you can find below. We talk about how easy it is to imprison ourselves in a smaller life than we wish for, as a way of trying to keep ourselves away from danger and out of painful experiences.
And we ask ourselves a big question – “What is it that we’re so dedicated to not feeling, that we’re willing to ruin our lives to avoid it?”. Along the way we consider the liberating possibilities that come when we’re willing to encounter what we’ve been avoiding, and to do so with the loving help of others.
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Through the Wall of Flame
by Mark Nepo, from ‘The Book of Awakening’
As a frightened man in a burning boat
has only one way to the rest of his life,
we must move with courage
through the wall of flame
into the greater sea.
Living long enough, we each find ourselves surrounded by an old way of being, thinking, or loving that is going up in flames. In that unexpected moment, we usually find ourselves full of fear, feeling trapped by an old way of life coming in on us. But this is the passage of rebirth that we must move through if our lives are to unfold. It is the momentary and painful crossing from what is old into what is new.
It is understandable to stall at the wall of flame, not wanting to face all that is burning around us. Yet old ways can burn forever, and waiting for the flames to go out seldom works. We can waste years in the waiting.
Like the frightened man in the burning boat, we must trust that the greater sea we are jumping into will douse whatever catches fire as we move through. This is what faith is all about.
Without trying to be brave and with great fear, I have stumbled and jumped through many walls of flame. The first time, I think, was in leaving home—needing to go, burning at the edge, afraid I wouldn’t survive beyond the flame of anger in which I was raised. Not much later, I had to move through the flames of first-love rejection. Here the broken part of me was almost willing to be burned alive. I felt certain there was nowhere to go and nothing that could soothe me. I more fell through this wall than jumped and, of course, once in the sea of life beyond myself, the world continued and I healed.
Perhaps the greatest wall of flame I had to jump through was the pain of cancer and the prospect of dying. It seemed the entire sea was on fire. Even once overboard, drifting farther and farther from the flames, I thought I might drown. How could I know that greater sea was the womb of a deeper life? I’m sure this is the same for anyone struggling to break out of any form of addiction, illness, or abusive relationship.